Every year I use the hearts to show my girls some love through February. If you’ve been anywhere near my social media pages in the last 10 days you will have seen me talk about this and my efforts to encourage you all to join the conversation.

You’ll have seen how excited I was when I got love returned to me with hearts on my door. I’ve obviously struggled getting hearts to the door in DC, luckily I’ve been able to send the poor hard up student a dollar a day via Venmo with a love note attached…

What strikes me as interesting is that so many of my friends can’t bring themselves to share why they might be lovable. Several people have texted me privately to tell me what they love about themselves, one friend has even texted me every day to tell me… but what is it about loving ourselves that we find so hard to acknowledge to others I wonder?

I had a conversation with someone today where we discussed this very thing. I said how easy I find it to recognize all I have left to achieve, rather than acknowledging all I have achieved. How big a journey I have been on since the first few hours of separation, yet how I still judge myself for not being more. How, for me and so many I know a day’s progress is marked by what is left on the to do list, rather than what is crossed from it.

I think it is all part of the same conversation and all comes down to being kind to ourselves, now more than ever.

My website has been in existence for a year, I know this because I just got the renewal notice! It hasn’t been public for a year of course… but the real flesh and bones, put your money where your mouth is planning has been there for a year… when the idea of a blog was formed it was to use as a springboard to other things. I hoped it would lead to some coaching work, I had grandiose ideas of consultancy work coming from it. The reality is that the divorce has left me a kept woman, and I hate it. And the clock is ticking… I won’t be kept forever, but with nothing but education and training in my background and New York State saying ‘no’, it makes it incredibly hard to rely on what I have, especially at my age. The idea of reinventing myself, my career and what I am circles my head daily, but when all you have ever known, have ever been, is not available to you it is hard to know what direction to take. As I say I had hoped this would be the start of something; but then, covid… it feels like covid ends so many stories, and I feel as if it is messing with this one and I don’t really know how to move forward.

It doesn’t help that I’m tired, thinking is always harder when you are tired, if anyone can solve my baseboard heating banging at all times of day and night please reach out... This piece has had 4 different endings in the last 2 hours and in one My Elephant was even offered up as a sacrifice, so maybe I should call it a night and take my own advice.

Be kind, be gentle,

Denise xoxo