The Christmas of 2001 was our last as a family of 2; I was heavily pregnant and looking forward to us becoming a family of 3 in the New Year. We visited with The Former Mr Right’s brother and during that trip bought a small red beaded Christmas tree to hang on our Christmas tree and the annual Christmas Tree Decoration tradition was born, just a few weeks before Ellie. Over the years we bought a decoration each year to add to our collection to represent something from the year; I look at some of them that we bring out each year and they hold a clear snap shot in my mind of where and when they were bought. The tartan moose bought in Burton on Trent with Julie, the year he was in renal failure. The Maine lighthouse we bought after our trip, the year he started his affair. Every year I put the decorations away carefully and wonder what or where we will be when they come back out again; I didn’t realize as I put the Maine Lighthouse away its first year that the next time it would be brought out life would be so very very different. It is such a rich tradition, invariably I would buy the decoration and would remember which year was which; by the time he left the girls were into asking whether we had the decoration this year and between us we have carried it on and now we buy it together, I don’t have to do it alone. Imagine my absolute delight when Ruby found this year’s in Target last weekend. It was a perfect acknowledgement of the year we have had, and with a little nail polish it became even more perfect!

Six weeks after my mum died we immigrated to America. This made the grieving process extra tough, although I am sure grieving a parent is never easy. When that first anniversary came around I was struck by how much our lives had changed in that year and particularly by how much the girls had grown in that year. I wanted to mark that growth somehow and this is what we did…

Every November 15th since then the girls have drawn around their hands and we have cut them out and added them in to the pile. I have only just realized as I spread them out to photograph for you that each chose a color scheme and has kept it going more or less throughout, bear in mind Ruby was 4 when she chose brown! I think this will be the last year we carry out this tradition, we have 10 hands each now and next November we probably won’t all be under the same roof; I was gifted this extra year by the covid restrictions and for everything I hate about those restrictions I am grateful to have been given this extra time with my girls. I love to look at their hands and remember how little they were when they needed so much more hand holding than they do today.

Coming to this area and not growing up here meant we were late adopters of the whole cutting your own Christmas tree tradition. In fact, as a family of 4 we never cut our own tree. We didn’t even have a standard place to buy our tree; some years it was Lowes and some years it was the place we drove past that had its cut ones piled up outside. The first year we were a family of 3 that all changed and quite by accident. I decided I needed proper family pictures taking, I needed to show everyone how well we were doing and I needed a decent picture for our first Christmas card as a 3. And quite by chance the wonderful photographer I booked was taking pictures at a Christmas tree farm… you pick your tree weeks in advance and ‘tag’ it; decorate it if you want, hang tinsel, tags and decorations on it, make it known it is yours and then in December go back and the amazing guys cut it down and help you get it on your car, even if you have no roof rack! I was so grateful for that new tradition; from now on, as long as we live within traveling distance, our tree will always be a Buell’s Christmas Tree…

I think the girls’ favorite tradition is our Advent Calendar. The last Christmas we were in England and the first Christmas in America I bought them each one of those fancy lego or play mobile Advent Calendars. They took about 3 hours each to set up the evening before, and you can bet The Former Mr Right didn’t want to be involved with any of that, and there were little pieces galore. Now don’t get me wrong I love anything like that, but they were close to $50 each and there was no ‘play with it afterwards’ ability. I was sure that the $50 could be better spent, so the second Christmas we were here I changed things up! Throughout the year I buy small value items; small bag of candy, a nail file, bath bomb, glitter nail polish, chapstick, face mask… Some things cost more than the $2 each day should cost, but some less, I suspect I spend over the original cost, but every item is something fun and appreciated. Each gift gets put in a lunch bag and stored centrally, we have one of those hanging Advent Calendars with little pockets on each number, every evening I hide a bag and put a cryptic clue in the pocket. Day one is always a Cadbury’s Chocolate advent calendar, and thankfully Dad has already mailed me these and this year one for me too! Yum!

In Britain Christmas Eve is probably one of the busiest nights out of the year, not so in America. Many places close soon after lunchtime to allow families to get together with bar and restaurant workers or to allow them traveling time at least. Having no family in America, it was always tough to work out what to do for Christmas Eve, so we began to go out for lunch. We would book as late as we possibly could and although places were generally quiet it was nice to be fed by others before the Christmas cooking began. Although I am sure covid will mean that this tradition skips a year in 2020; Dad won’t be visiting for starters and I’m not feeling overly confident about inside dining right now, so I guess Christmas Eve 2020 will be the day the cooking starts this year! Or maybe we will do something different and a new tradition will be born…

When I started to write this and reminisce about our traditions I was sure that there were things we used to do and no longer do. I was sure I would think of things that either had belonged to The Former Mr Right or were too painful for me to continue without him. But try as I may, and I asked the girls too, I can not think of one emotionally charged family tradition that we no longer do because it was so intrinsically tied to him… and that makes me a little sad, whilst inside I’m doing fist pumps! It shows me that I am the back bone that holds our family together; without me, the traditions would have never started. I really hope as the girls grow, make families of their own and develop their own traditions that some of these we share now survive…

Actually there is one tradition that didn’t survive the divorce, and in part it was down to The Former Mr Right. Ruby found out that Alfie, our elf, didn’t travel of his own free will and became so upset that I had been lying to her (after what we had been through that year lying is something we take very seriously in our household now!) that I lost any interest in even trying to make him work anymore. I suspect he was a tradition that would have only had another full year in him anyway, and I was an over achiever, so the spectacle was becoming harder to think through. But some evenings I miss that little guy staring at me in his creepy way… and yes, I mean the elf 😉

What traditions do you love throughout the year? If you experienced a major life change did any traditions survive from before? What new ones did you make?

Be kind, be gentle,

Denise xoxo