Those of you that know me in real life and are in regular contact know I have been having a hard time of things lately. The house seems to have come at me all guns blazing and hasn’t quite let up. I’m tired and feel overwhelmed from a whole range of things and can’t quite put my finger on the issue or the solution to make me feel better. I am strong. I know that… I have developed strategies over the last few years to be resilient, but my resilience is not bouncing back into place like I have got used to it doing. I am tired and weary and I don’t seem to be making progress no matter how much self care I implement. Last week I thought maybe reaching out to a friend would help. I went through my mental checklist of closest confidents and marked them off in my head; nope, not her also feeling overwhelmed, nope not her, she’s got a lot going on too, nope not him, he’s also struggling right now and so it went on. And then it suddenly struck me that many many of my friends are struggling too; some of the strongest people I know are having bad day after bad day right now. These people who dealt with the early days of the pandemic so well, with so much focus and determination are now not doing so well. I decided that there is no way on earth I was the common factor in all of this, so I did a little research and have read a few articles and I think I understand what is happening, or at least I have an inkling and a few ways forward.

In March, in Upstate New York everything shut down. And it evoked in us all a fight or flight response. We knew we had to get through it. We hunkered down into family life; we did more crafts than ever before with our children, we painted rainbows, we walked miles a day, we tidied closets and tackled all the household jobs from our ‘we will get to it one day list’. We showed the world that we would not be beaten; we had Dunkirk Spirt! Although we didn’t realize it we were using our Surge Capacity; this is the increased mental and physical capacity our body gives us to deal with short term survival in very difficult and stressful situations. The problem is that Surge Capacity is a short term extra, it isn’t meant as a long term mechanism. And I don’t know about you, but it feels like we have been in this constantly changing ‘new normal’ for a life time now; it isn’t really any wonder that we have depleted that reserve of Surge Capacity and now many of us are suffering from something called Surge Capacity Depletion.

In 1943, the American Psychologist Abraham Maslow, put forward the idea that humans have a series of needs that must be met for them to be the best and most rounded, fulfilled person that they can be. It is important to understand that he wrote his theory in a whole book whilst I have distilled it into a single sentence, before puritans try to correct my choice of words. The lower level, ‘physiological’ being the easiest to attain, and movement to the next level not being possible until the level below is complete. With the over riding aim of achieving ‘self actualization’ or more simply; fulfilling our potential.

The lowest, traditionally easiest to achieve level ‘physiological’ covers the basics of breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis and excretion; whilst the pandemic and resulting quarantine didn’t threaten all of these it did impact much of it. The supply chain was definitely affected, some trips to the store showed us many empty shelves and that was scary; many people feared for the abundant availability of food that they were use to. Sleep was disrupted as routines changed and people began to feel overwhelming stress and the ability to have sex was curtailed as partners not living together found it harder to meet with each other, whilst partners living together found it a challenge also as their sometimes quiet homes were now school rooms and privacy was harder to find.

Remember it is not possible to fulfill your potential until each layer has been completed and is supporting the layer above it. So for many the bottom of their pyramid was feeling a little wobbly, but let’s think about the next layer up; safety. This isn’t just about personal safety, but also security of: body, employment, resources, morality, the family, health and property. We know as the pandemic moved on employment and financial security was at risk, there were obvious fears about our health and the implications this meant for our families, we were in a pandemic for goodness sake, and there was increasing political unrest and wide spread injustices were seen across the nation.

So now my bottom 2 layers are having a wobble and I’m getting a bit Surge Capacity depleted… do you see where this is going? In fact each level on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need is not being fully met, so right now no matter how hard I try I’m not going to be able to fulfill my potential, couple that with Surge Capacity Depletion and it is no wonder I have been feeling ‘off’ for weeks. And my friends, no wonder you have not been feeling yourself either!

So what are we going to do about it? First of all we need to accept that most research on fixes for Surge Capacity depletion come after the danger has passed, we are still very much in the middle of our threat and we aren’t really in our recovery phase yet, but we need to mimic this to be able to move forward. We need to accept that there is loss in our lives right now; it’s ambiguous loss, it’s unclear and lacks resolution. Ambiguous loss feels as intense as grief, and like traditional grief does go through five non linear stages. For each of us we are experiencing this loss from a slightly different perspective and on a multitude of levels; for me my biggest loss is social interaction with others, for one daughter it is the in person college experience and for the other the lack of intense sporting activity.

But there are some things you can try to help you weather the storm until these times are behind us. Here are some suggestions for us all to try:

• Accept that life is hard right now. Don’t just say it is hard, or pay lip service to it but really begin to accept it. This does not mean giving up, but does mean you are not wasting mental energy in a place of negativity.

• Expect less from yourself. Manage your personal expectations of yourself better and be kinder to yourself. Now more than ever practice some self care. Listen to your body and discover what down time activities replenish you and which ones don’t.

• Recognize the different stages of grief you are experiencing. You are striving for acceptance here, some days you may get a small glimpse of that and other days you may be just angry and that is OK, so long as you recognize your feelings and don’t let your anger or depression take control too often.

• Consider the positive flip side to the negative experience; terrible as this pandemic is I am spending more quality time with my daughters than I ever have before.

• Continue to look for activities to fulfill you; I was so good at this in the early stages of our lock down. We had family movie nights, we did crafts, puzzles, board games. I need to revisit this one big time!

• Focus on maintaining and strengthening important relationships. Social support is hugely important at times like this. Still keep an eye out for that lonely neighbor especially as the darker nights are coming. Helping others allows you to take back some control and that fights against the feeling of helplessness we can feel.

• Begin to slowly rebuild your resilience; work on better sleep, nutrition, exercise, gratitude and connection. The more you can practice skills that increase your resilience, the more of a store you have to help you through the more difficult days.

Crazy as it might seem I feel excited; this gives me some structure to try to work with. Some life rafts to cling to as I begin to swim back to me. Even just realizing that I wasn’t alone in what I’d been feeling was a huge relief and I feel so much better equipped to rebuild my resilience and to step away from being constantly overwhelmed.

If you have been suffering in recent months I hope this helps and I’d love you to reach out either here or in a private facebook message and tell me if this helps and what you have done to be kinder, acknowledge the loss and rebuild your resilience.

Be kind, be gentle,

Denise xoxo