She had been like a big black shadow in my head for so long. In the wrong frame of mind, it was all her fault; she was to blame, she ruined it all. But deep down I knew that wasn’t true. Deep down we fell apart all by ourselves; if I’m honest and oh how it hurts to admit it, probably a long time ago. We scooped ourselves up and carried on again and again; we clung on to routine and easy and family. But she isn’t where the pain came from; just falling apart is one thing, but failing to acknowledge it, refusing to talk about it, spending money out of control, making the world revolve around you and then running off into her arms deceitfully, and lying takes it to another level. So, here was my chance to finally see her, to see her in 3D; not like in all the pictures I had poured over during the last 2 years. 

I have good friends, friends who have been there every step of the way, from picking me up, to dusting me down to listening to me endlessly and I shared the journey that evening with three of the best. One driver, one navigator and one from the UK via facetime. We knew their route; they were meeting the girls at their hotel; I only wanted a little look-see. Just enough to see her in the flesh, then we could hit Happy Hour and the black shadow in my mind would be transformed and laid to rest. So, we transferred to one car and parked up, with a clear view of the hotel door. What could possibly go wrong?

We saw them all leave the hotel, a family of 5; to an untrained eye they were a family on vacation heading into the town for dinner. I didn’t have time to process that thought and thank goodness because I fear it would have paralyzed me; my girls looking like family with them, the people who had wronged my family of 3. Brain processing happened pretty fast in the next few seconds; we sat back, watching, expecting them to turn left and walk up the hill to Broadway. They didn’t. They started walking straight at us. Straight towards our hiding spot. Suddenly there was panic in the car, I realized the girls were carrying bags, presumably gifts, and they were clearly heading towards Ellie’s car to stash them away before dinner. In the same moment I verbalized that, my driver asked what she should do... less asked more desperate shriek, her one thought was protecting me from being seen and causing yet more trouble. The navigator had a plan, it was simple, almost fool proof; ha-bloody-ha, it was to “Drive, Drive, Drive”. And my driver ran with that plan! Rather than driving casually past the little family group, she felt it best to hide in the entranceway to the neighboring hotel, within seconds we realized we were like sitting ducks as they were still coming towards us, so she drove further into the hotel grounds and hid us in the corner of their parking lot.

We saw two foreheads walk past the wall hiding us, not hers... I was still processing, she was short. He wasn’t hugely tall, our eldest daughter was taller than him, but the fact that my mysterious back shadow was so much shorter than I had imagined was little comfort to me at that point! I held my facetime friend up high to see if she could work out if they had passed to no avail. Eventually we felt it safe to do a 73 point turn out of our hiding spot and slowly, slowly we crept back into the street, but they had vanished! It was only later that I discovered they had simply gone for a drink as they were too early for dinner, in those few minutes until we saw them again though, it is fair to say, our minds ran away with us!

But see them again we did, after several loops driving and looking we decided to abandon our task; I had seen the short dark shadow with her backpack on her back and that was all I had needed to see. We parked up and headed to get the drink we were all in need of. And suddenly there they were, no longer looking like a family of 5... the long legs of our elder daughter striding out ahead, with our younger daughter effortlessly keeping up. He was pacing hard to keep up too, he’d always had short legs, but she was being left behind, bringing up the rear whilst encouraging her son too. Every now and then she would almost skip towards them and grab his arm to slow him down, but then realize her son was still straggling, how that dilemma must have pained her. And with that image in my head; she was no longer a black faceless shadow and they were sure as hell not a family of 5 on vacation!

Do you have a story to share about when you exorcised a black shadow from your head? Please tell us about it, let us what you did or are still doing to move beyond that towards a place of healing.

Be kind, be gentle…

Denise xoxo