…is not a like being on a Teeter-Totter

My co-parenting story is so different to so many of you reading this. The Former Mr Right and I live 2,520 miles apart. For 99.9% of their time our daughters live with me.

Of all the terrible scenarios that come out of a divorce the endless battle over sharing time equally, balancing holidays and special occassions and trying to keep jealousy in check must be amongst the hardest to deal with. I am endlessly thankful that I don’t have to contend with that; that I never fear turning up at a sports event or school activity and bumping into them. So to those of you experiencing that pain, especially as we approach the holidays I am so so sorry and I feel your pain. For as we know, it’s not a competition… my pain is as valid over a multitude of other struggles as your pain is over this.

But for all of us who are co-parenting, one thing is the same…

I realized early on that the unbalanced loyalty my girls felt was unfair to both parents. Whilst I understand where that loyalty comes from; they were there in those first few awful days, they heard him tell me about her, they were left behind and no matter how many times I told them he had left me not them, his physical absence told them a very different story. But to them any feeling of loyalty towards their Dad was hidden from me, the guilt they felt about still loving him caused an internal war for them and because I was the only parent around it meant that I had a responsibility to fix it for them; I had to let them love him still.

For our younger daughter especially the conflict was real even when I would tell her that it was OK to love us both. We talked about love not being a finite amount and that if she loved him a little more it didn’t mean she had to love me a little less; love for your parents isn’t like being on a see saw and this analogy helped her understand it a little better.

I see and hear of so many parents sending messages to their children about their relationship with the other parent. And I do understand how difficult it is not to get drawn into that; how your hate and bitterness towards your ex partner could so easily cause that resentment to boil over… but for us, it has always been about reminding the girls that he is their Dad and he loves them still. And I tell you sometimes over the last nearly 4 years he has made that blinking difficult. But I already accept that my relationship with him is over, is behind us; but theirs isn’t. He will be their Dad for the rest of forever and whilst I know I have the power in my hands to poison their minds and to ensure that their relationship becomes tatters I completely believe that for my girls to be the best that they can be, for them to grow up with the best possible mental health then they need a good relationship with their Dad. I know that I can’t make that relationship good, but I can make darn sure that I do everything in my power to help it not be bad, at least. I always accommodate his visitation requests, there are so few it really isn’t an onerous task. I encourage them to stay in touch, I give them privacy to talk to him, I remind them about buying cards and even pay for the stamps, I support them having difficult conversations with him and I remind them that my love for them is not dependent on their love for him; because now these are two completely discrete facets of my daughter’s lives.

So my friends, as you face these few difficult weeks of sharing your precious children with the person who hurt you most please try to remember. When they are grown and look back to the relationship you had with them let them do that with love and happy memories, let them see that you understood that they could love both of their parents fiercely and unconditionally; let them know you did the right thing… 

Be kind, be gentle,

Denise xoxox